Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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