:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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