This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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