i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
