I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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