I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i came on her dog
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
