she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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