I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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