OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
