How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
