I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
