Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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