pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
