I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
