I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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