In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
