You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
