I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
