I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
