All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
