Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
