I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
