I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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