I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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