Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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