I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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