Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
are you still at the devil's house?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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