Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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