I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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