I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
