Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
