i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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