Only a mothe r could love this liver
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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