whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
