Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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