Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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