I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
