Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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