R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
