I wish I could punch you in the face.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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