nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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