Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
