matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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