I need to stop coming to work sober
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
