I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
