Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
