Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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