I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
