No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
