Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My balls are so social today.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
