I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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