Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
two words: eviction party
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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