So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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